I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
