All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
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