Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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