That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
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I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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