The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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