Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
