Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
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I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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