I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
