It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
