Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
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She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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