I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
