new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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