I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
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I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
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Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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