i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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