I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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