i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
