So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
