Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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