Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
