News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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