i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
