mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
