if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
