Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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