I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
