we have officially lost it.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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