I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
