i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
