It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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