If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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