I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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