I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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