NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
