There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
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I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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