Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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