I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
