No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
