I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
