Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
