I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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