If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
