If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
