Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
