Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
soo... how was my night?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
