the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Even my vagina gasped.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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