She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
