I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
