yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
