I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He better not be in your backpack
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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