I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
