im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
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You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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